You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
