ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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