I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
