I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
