I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
