Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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