I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize