If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so let's talk penis.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
