She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
