If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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