I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
