I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
