i think i have two assholes
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
