i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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