Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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