but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
