I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
