I just saw a hot homeless man
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
