He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
