I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
