just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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