jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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