I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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