We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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