Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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