I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
