I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
