When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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