we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
