i already hear my dad disowning me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
