I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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