I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
do nipples grow back?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
