just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
