Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
