I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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