sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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