I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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