you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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