My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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