I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
