Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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