I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
