Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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