Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
