Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
