So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize