Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
