I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
