Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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