It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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