I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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