so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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