I hate all girls vehemently.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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