If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
