In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i was born a porn star she said
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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