Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
