i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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