don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
