the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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