Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
