The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize