apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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