Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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