I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize