At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize